"Why does he want to know this? It's so dull."I hate first person present tense, in fiction. The entire thing reads like someone's personal diary or blog. And I'm sure that's another reason why so many women love this crap. And while there are structural ways to make the prose less narcissistic sounding, they weren't utilized. There were too many Is for me not to get distracted by it. Not to mention she also talks about Christian's eyes ... a lot. I'm surprised she didn't write something like "I eyed his grey eyes." Although, who knows what the editor cut out? Well, definitely not em dashes. The abuse of those were outright comical!
And back to that first quote: Pointing out how your dialogue or story is boring doesn't make it interesting! It's still fucking boring. The conversations are so vapid and trite. If you're going to write in first person, you better be a fucking genius with dialogue. Because the exposition is limited to the main character's conversations, thoughts, and interactions. In this case, we're stuck in the perspective of a vacuous, boring idiot who doesn't even know if she's taking birth control when asked.
Christian is another cardboard cutout. He is basically Edward from Twilight but maybe a bit creepier since he's not a supernatural creature. Anyways, he's a rich playboy who's into caressing foreheads, pressing his mouth into a "hard line," nibbling on lower lips, listening to eclectic music like Kings of Leon, making unreadable facial expressions, gazing, stalking, fingering girls with his thumb, and having impossibly long eyelashes. Oh yeah, he also has a horse wiener.
And just like her "literary" heroine, she has a knack for using silly or inapplicable adjectives and verbs. Also, I've never read the word murmur so many times in my life. It shows up so much that it becomes a reoccurring joke. But let's look at the definition.
mur·mur·ing/ˈmərməriNG/
Noun:
1. A soft, low, or indistinct sound produced by a person or group of people speaking quietly or at a distance.
2. A subdued or private expression of discontent or dissatisfaction.
You'd think with all this murmuring, someone would have said "what the fuck did you just say?" at least once. But it's constantly used to communicate clear, distinct dialogue. Personally, when I read all these murmured lines, in my head, they sounded like a deaf person speaking. She also used "breathes" as synonymous with "says," and it's not. Maybe E.L. should have tried reading it all out loud, in the described breathy voice, to realize how stupid that actually sounds.
And there is nothing poetic or intelligent about describing rain as "damp air." It's actually quite stupid. And before it was officially confirmed that the damp air was, in fact, rain, I had envisioned the cold air of an unfinished, dank basement. I'll give her some credit though. As a Twilight fan-fiction author, she really did a great job recreating all of Stephenie Meyer's flaws on the page. It could have fooled me.
And there is nothing poetic or intelligent about describing rain as "damp air." It's actually quite stupid. And before it was officially confirmed that the damp air was, in fact, rain, I had envisioned the cold air of an unfinished, dank basement. I'll give her some credit though. As a Twilight fan-fiction author, she really did a great job recreating all of Stephenie Meyer's flaws on the page. It could have fooled me.
Now the main media focus on the book is its erotic elements. But when these scenes weren't making me laugh, they were boring me to death by being redundant. And I'm not a woman. But if this is what goes on in the average female's mind, we have a huge problem here.
And I know because of this sexual content there are libraries over the US who've banned it. Of course, these same libraries banning Fifty Shades of Grey have books like Gravity's Rainbow still on their shelves. And while there is absolutely no comparison in literary merit between Thomas Pynchon and E.L. James, her sex scenes read like the kiss scene between Winnie and Kevin on The Wonder Years, in comparison to Pynchon's.
Gravity's Rainbow is even cited on the wiki page for coprophagia, shit eating (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coprophagia)! Anyways, I don't want the book banned — even though I think it's literary trash. The more libraries acquiring it, equals less people buying it. And it's way too popular to lose steam anytime soon. My library network has over 500 people who've put hold requests on it.
But if you want a sample of the erotica, here is my favorite reading by far:
In conclusion:
This is one of the worst books I've ever read in my life. And it's not like it's completely incoherent. It's just lazy, boring, and redundant as hell. If you're looking for laughs, you're better off just clicking the various reading videos on YouTube. Reading about Ana's boring life and shallow emotional crises are about as much fun as watching paint dry.
I leave you now with my favorite quote from the book: "He murmurs as he points the head of his erection toward the entrance of my sex."
I rather liked the novel myself but to each his own I guess.
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ReplyDeleteI haven't read it, but I adore pieces like this. The snippets I've heard and read constantly reaffirm my decision to avoid it like the plague. The final nail in the coffin for me was when my mother read it, became disgusted and put it down. She then called me and read the scene that made her stop reading. Trust me, there is no better deterrent than that. I'm still shuddering.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read it, but I adore pieces like this. The snippets I've heard and read constantly reaffirm my decision to avoid it like the plague. The final nail in the coffin for me was when my mother read it, became disgusted and put it down. She then called me and read the scene that made her stop reading. Trust me, there is no better deterrent than that. I'm still shuddering.
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