Saturday, November 19, 2011

Why Twilight and Its Fans, Suck

I really wanted to do a Skyrim post, but I'm still compiling a list of things I love and hate about it. Speaking of hate, Twilight: Breaking Dawn came out the other day. This normally wouldn't be enough for me to make a blog over. But today I saw a TV documentary on its fans called Twilight in Forks / The Real Town. For the longest time I was comfortable thinking that Twitlight fans were mostly teenagers, their moms, emotionally-empty-twenty-something-year-old-women, and boys who will follow female trends subconsciously — just to get laid. While this is still true, there is an even sadder subset.

This demographic includes people who think they're superior to Trekkies and Star Wars fans, and people who knowingly pretend to be vampires. Yes, they are too fucking boring and lacking in personality to give into a little psychosis. Well, one apologist, with a bow-tie standing behind a whiteboard, seems to think she's a great writer; that's definitely pretty delusional, IMO. Not that my blog, or the one I'm about to link to, is error free, but this is a great breakdown of why we beg to differ: (

Back to the documentary. It's about the town of Forks, Washington. Before Twilight, it was just a run of the mill small town. Hell, I even live in one. But now, Forks is a mecca for Twitards. The town, of course, loves the tourism and has Twilight themed stores, burgers, and tours. And for some stupid reason, even being a resident of the town makes one a celebrity among this cult of no personality. And no, I had no idea this shit was going on, until today.

The guy with the bow-tie is featured as a main apologist — along with an older guy who goes out of his way to look and sound "normal." Bow-tie talks about how Twilight's detractors often claim the reader's feelings aren't real. None of us, however, think that. To paraphrase my wife: If all you ever ate were baked potatoes, a french fry would be the greatest thing, ever. Unfortunately, it's real, and that's what makes it so pathetic. Note: Not making fun of teenage girls. You guys are relatively new humans, have delusions of maturity, and are getting bombarded with hormones that would bring a dark brotherhood member to tears (inserted Skyrim reference for masculinity). This is your generation's Titanic, and none of us want to face your screeching sound and fury.

It then gets into some native stuff that I couldn't bring myself to care about. Of course, they have shapeshifter stories to make a flimsy bridge to the book's world. After everything was said and done, the only twilight I knew was The Twilight Zone. I was drained, like a used up fang banger, watching these people go on and on about such drab characters and boring places. And I felt really bad for the guy whose wife made him actually move to Forks ... . Leave it to the fans to be more horrific than the writing.


  1. I don't know man, I really like Twilight.

  2. I had no idea the town had this going on. It's hilarious as not only has Meyers never been there, the movies were filmed in Oregon and Canada. I had to look it up after reading this blog post and here is something I found that made me involuntarily groan
    "Though Meyer's novels are categorized for young readers, Bruno-Root says anyone can enjoy them. "I love her writing style and the character development. They don't feel dumbed down."
    They aren't dumbed down, they are just dumb.