Why I Mostly Hate DC Comics

Warning: The following content is the mostly unimportant opinion of a guy on the Internet. Reader discretion and common sense is advised.

OK, I don't really hate DC; they've made some of my favorite comics of all time. But I do hate them, lately: meaning the last 15 years or so. And while I loved the first half of Superman: The Black Ring and Superman: Red Son, I absolutely hated Infinite Crisis and The New 52. And that's a pretty massive chunk of what they've been up to. So without further ado, I give you three of my bigger gripes with the comic empire.

Problem 1. The stories read like something I would have made up, on the fly, while playing with my action figures as a child:

I can sum up the biggest flaw in most of the writing with three Latin words: Deus Ex Machina. That's right! At any given time in the DC universe, all the rules can be, and usually are, tossed away to resolve a horribly written plot.

Please, hire some new writers. You can't continue to use the same guys who convoluted the hell out of the stories and wrote you into those dead ends, in the first place. And I don't even want to understand what is up with the new Aquaman. In his reboot, if you take all the background bullshit out, Aquaman literally has a story where his girlfriend gets into a little trouble while shopping for dog food. This is what was going on in my head as I read it:

Problem 2. A lot of the characters have not aged well:

Kill them off and come up with new ideas! I know it's insane. But abandon the old model of creating idiotic looking clowns in leotards! Make characters that actually fit in today's world. I'll give you a free idea right now: Create a hero who actually stays in the background of society, who has actual mysteries that the reader wants to desperately know but are only alluded to at best, and a hero that is more show than tell.

Ya see, a lot of your writers just simply talk about how genius a hero or villains is, but when it comes down to their actions, they come off like average guys possessing advanced technology who occasionally use some nonsensical technobabble. And their evil genius plots are usually laughably simple and poorly thought out. If you want your super genius to actually come off as someone possessing more than a modicum of intelligence, hire someone smarter than the average bear to write for him or, dare I say, her!

Problem 3. The Films and Video Games:

My god, these are mostly terrible! Ex: Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe was not only one of the dumbest things I've ever played, but the entire fighting system is dated, ugly, and has barely advanced from the video game bronze age that was the early 90s! Do you know how I felt when I played that game? I felt like a grown ass man playing with pogs! And trust me, that was not a positive experience.

Please take back your creative licenses from these guys ASAP and get better game companies on board that can actually drum up interest in the comics. And when it comes to the majority of the films that don't involve Batman, it's clear to me that the lunatics are running the asylum.

Now I leave you with this final note: "I sure hope they make another movie explaining who the hell this mysterious Superman fella is," said nobody ever.